So why if weight is such a sensitive and private issue for me, am I writing this blog and sharing it with people? There are several reasons. 1) Losing this much weight is more than just a physical change. It's emotional, mental, all the above. I'm very much a processor - both internally and externally. I like to think about things, talk about things, and obviously write about things. 2) There are so many people that have served as inspiration and motivation along the way and I need to thank them publicly, and 3) I continue to get the questions of "What are you doing?" or "How did you lose all of that?" So here are all the answers to your questions. You'll probably learn a lot about me that you don't really need to know, so just accept that fact if you're taking the time to read this.
I've thought a lot about how I wanted to start this blog.... do I make it funny? Do I just throw in the magical answer? Ultimately, I thought it best to start at the moment I decided a change needed to happen. I could start at the beginning, but then this would be more of a book rather than a blog post. So to keep it short and sweet, here's a ten second history of 1981-2011. I've always been overweight - this wasn't something that I just packed on in college. Every elementary school photo, I was the chubby one. I was teased and taunted, made fun of by strangers and people I called my friends. Middle school was a traumatic time for me (just ask my parents and the multiple counselors I've seen over the years) and high school not much better. I can still remember specific people and the things they said. I don't know if that's ever going to be something that I can let go. But for a long time, I let that control my life and I continued to make excuses as to why I continued to pack on the pounds. Over the years there were several times that I "attempted" to lose weight. Mostly that means that I would have this great epiphany that I was going to start eating right and exercising that would last for a day, at best.
Then in spring 2011, things changed. The moment seems like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the Dripolator coffee house talking to my friend Jenni about how I had just gone to the doctor and she was throwing out the word diabetes. Poor me, now I was going to have to start taking medication and checking my blood sugar. And then Jenni said the words to me that everyone else was too scared to say. She told me that I was killing myself and that I knew it and was doing nothing to stop it. She then told me that she wasn't going to sit there and watch me kill myself and that if I was going to do that, then she couldn't be my friend anymore. I was pissed. Livid. I moved away from Asheville to Muncie, Indiana a week later so upset that someone that I thought of as one of my best friends wasn't supporting me. I blamed her, saying that I had supported her through some of her darkest times, why couldn't she do the same for me? Then the light bulb moment happened and I knew I had to take responsibility and make some changes. Jenni, I can't thank you enough for saying what you said to me. Without that, I don't know if I would have ever changed. I know I've told you this story before and that you can't even remember that conversation, but I think about it all the time. It's what motivates me to keep going, knowing that people out there do love and care about me enough to stand up to me and tell me what I need to hear. That's why this post is dedicated to you and I will forever be thankful.
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| (Left) At highest weight, grad school graduation, May 2011 (Right) Easter 2014 |
That's the biggest thing I can tell someone who wants to lose weight. You have to find that one reason that finally makes sense, that finally grasps that part of you. It's going to be different for everyone. I don't know how many health complications I had, how many times I cried about my weight, how many times I missed out on opportunities because I was too big. For some reason, none of those things were monumental enough for me to accept my reality. For me, it took a friend sitting down and being honest with me and knowing that I could potentially lose something that I cared so much about.
So as to how I did it..... sadly, there is no big secret. There's not some miracle drug, diet, or exercise that got me to this point. The biggest things were persistence, dedication, and resiliency. Yes, I do follow Weight Watchers. My friends know that as soon as I eat, I pull out my phone and track it. They know that sometimes I make food decisions based on points and that I'll often say, "Oh, I can totally eat that because I have some left over activity points." For me, WW has worked. No, I don't go to the meetings, I just use the app on my cell phone and to be honest, I don't weigh and measure things like I'm supposed to. I guesstimate a lot. I'm not going to sit here and sell WW as a product because I know it may not work for everyone, it just so happened to stick for me this time. I know other people who have lost a lot of weight by completely overhauling what they eat and being very strict on themselves about how many calories they take in or cutting out complete food groups such as meat, carbohydrates, sugar, etc. I knew going into this that wasn't going to work for me. I'm forever going to be that girl that loves pizza, beer, and chocolate chip cookies. As much as I wanted to give up being morbidly obese, I wasn't willing to give up the foods I love. And thankfully I haven't had to. I've had to make better choices when it comes to those foods, certainly, but I still get to enjoy them. And while I do make much better choices when it comes to the types of foods that I eat, I haven't gone all health food crazy. Yes, I eat more fruit and vegetables and I've made a smoothie from time to time, and I've discovered new foods that I enjoy like quinoa, brussel sprouts, and greek yogurt, but trust me, I still enjoy nachos and buffalo wings and occasionally still like to stop by Taco Bell or order Chinese.
Food is one of the biggest things I have had to deal with emotionally and mentally. Food and eating has always been a big issue. It was my comforter when I was sad, lonely, or frustrated. That doesn't magically change when you lose weight. Just the other day I sent a friend of mine a text message saying I wanted to eat a shit ton of pizza and beer. But what has changed is my ability to talk myself out of it. To make smarter decisions. Thankfully, I talked myself out of eating all of that pizza and beer. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I've realized that I have to be kind to myself when it doesn't work, and that just because I may eat pizza or a burger or a blueberry donut, doesn't mean that all of the sudden all of my hard work is ruined. It means I indulged, and that's okay, and that the next time I eat I have the option to make a healthier choice. Yes, I talk and think about food a lot. I apologize to those who have to listen to me while I figure what I want to eat sometimes. But the reality is, it's always going to be that way for me. Every day I'm going to have to set goals and make choices. As time goes on, it gets a little easier and becomes a little bit more natural, but I believe it's always going to be there.
As for exercise, it's very much a love/hate relationship. I started out simply walking. I could barely walk a mile without sweating, hurting, and wanting to punch someone in the face. But over time, it got easier. And I walked further and faster. I did work with a personal trainer for a short period of time, and she was the one who encouraged me to attend group fitness classes. Through those classes, I've found a place where I'm comfortable pushing myself. Depending on my schedule, I've done everything from step aerobics, to cycling, to tabata, and I've even completed "running" a few 5Ks. I'm lucky to have had some great friends who have taken on some of these classes with me. And as much as I resisted adding strength training into my exercise routine, I have seen a huge difference because of it. But here's the thing I want to tell people, because it took me a long time to figure it out for myself - exercise is not the miracle cure-all. You can exercise and work out all you want, but if you're eating crap, or restricting yourself and not eating enough, it's not going to do anything. And sadly, yes, I have completely given up soda, juice, etc., and drink very little alcohol. That's big sacrifice for me because most of my friends know how much I absolutely love craft micro-brews, but it has helped. Now, I just save my beer drinking for when I have the chance to get a good beer, and not some of the beer around here that's really more like water.
I had no idea that when I posted that picture this morning that it would receive the kind of response that it did. People I haven't heard from in years were texting me, sending me messages, and wishing me congratulations. Thank you for that. That's the reason for this post. Lots of people were asking me how and why, so this was the easiest way I felt I could respond to everyone. What keeps me motivated? To be completely and 100% absolutely honest, it's the little things: being able to walk into any clothing store I want to and buy clothes, to not have to worry about being the fat person people don't want to get stuck sitting next to on a plane, to not work up a sweat simply walking down the street, to be able to wear high heels all day and not want to chop my feet off (yes, that's totally gotten better!), to not miss out on opportunities with friends such as hiking, white water rafting, etc., but mostly, my motivation now comes from wanting to take care of and treat myself better and to not have my friends and family worried about what was going to happen to me and my health. I'm not done, by any means, and to be truthful, I don't think I'll ever be done. I think this is something that I'll battle for the rest of my life. But I'm thankful to know that the outcome is in my control and I have the power to make those decisions and that I have some pretty awesome people to help me along the way.
I do want to give some special shout-outs: To the parentals - I definitely wouldn't have made it this far without your support; everything from purchasing me more personal training sessions to buying me new clothes when I couldn't wear anything I had anymore (by the way, we are kind of at that point again, :) ), from stocking the kitchen with healthier food whenever I visit, to listening to me complain when I was at a standstill. I thank you and love you guys more than I can say in this post.
To my friends that have worked out with me, indulged in pizza with me, cried and laughed with me - knowing that I'm lucky enough to have such great people in my life is what has made my determination possible. I'm going to try to mention all of you, but if I miss someone, know that you made a difference too! Kristin, Marissa, Kandria, Rebecca, Maureen, Lauren, Beth, Hannah, Alicia, Holly, Stephanie, Stacey, Melissa, and many others - Thank You.
And of course, Jenni. You helped me change my life. Love you!
